Daily Shoulds

There comes a point where doing everything is just too blooming overwhelming. There’s so much that you should be doing that you can’t even figure out what all it is that you are so anxious about not getting done. So in this confused mood, I decided to go about making a list of it all. Not the work minutia. That stuff has its own special list in a circa notebook. Just some of the rest of it.

• figure out Lubbock
  • research the details on the dorm—there seems to be no Internet access. Presumably there is a phone; so in theory there would be dial-up. Can I survive dial-up? Is there A/C? You don’t want to see me w/o A/C. Is there an elevator? With my back and knees, there’s no way I can drag things up the stairs. What would I do about cold water/soda? Is an ice chest a realistic option? Any details on the, um, facilities? I have privacy issues.
  • research the details on the hotel(s), which generally amounts to many of the same questions, highlighted by the key question: Can I possibly afford this? Is all the fun stuff going to happen in the dorm, like ISU? Thus is the hotel going to be the unhip place to be?
  • research the driving details—how long does this drive take again? Can I manage the vast emptiness by myself?
  • work magic with my check books to try to figure out money issues.
  • figure out when exactly I am going to create my presentation. And can I possibily sound intelligent? I haven’t written anything but lesson plans in a very long time.
  • work on my little mac (and pray) so that I can write during sessions if I do end up in Lubbock.
• write that book manuscript before I am beaten and fired.
• clean the filth that is my kitchen.
• clean up the basement.
• create two Flash interactives.
• deal with the mounds of laundry that need to be put away.
• bury the mounds of clothes that don’t fit.
• figure out my eating, because right now I am a whale.
• find some way to make this burping, acid, bloaty horror stop.
• make a sign that says, ‘no matter how tempting, never eat pizza or tomato sauce of any kind again.’ I don’t know what I was thinking, but the horror of the pizza I ate tonight wasn’t worth it. Why couldn’t I be ill when I eat all the wrong things so that I could turn into a Barbie?
• schedule a hair cut.
• write some EconEdLink lesson plans to pay for all this nonsense.
• get some lawn work taken care of, because it’s an unpolished jungle out there.
• clean out the garage, which is also an unpolished disaster. Be sure to put new plastic on those windows too.
• figure out how to pay to get the stuff that needs painted on this house all painted.
• figure out why I’m not getting any of this stuff done.

:( One day maybe I’ll have my act together. Instead, I can’t seem to do anything but be overwhelmed by it all. I’m sure that i’ve left out dozens of things too :( I’m such a nonsensical disaster.

For Mac: iAlertU – Lifehacker

Download of the Day: iAlertU – Lifehacker—for that one day when I finally manage to purchase a new Mac.

Daily Work: Laziness

It has been another exciting day of laziness and inactivity. I fiddled about online, but haven’t really accomplished anything. I didn’t even get the dishwasher loaded. I have watched a number of TiVoed movies, but nothing remarkable.

There is so much that I should be doing, but I’m not moving it appears. Partially, I just don’t seem able to concentrate enough. My brain is just mushy. You’d think that I oculd wander beyond the main rooms, but I don’t. I didn’t even gather up the energy to go out on the front porch for the mail. I should start the laundry or do the dishes or something worthwhile. I can’t even figure out what to write anymore.

Movies: Gertrud

For Windows: Useful Windows XP DOS Commands & Tricks

Useful Windows XP DOS Commands & Tricks » Digital Inspiration: Software Reviews, Technology News, Downloads, Productivity Tips—Things that I probably know, but always have to look up. Maybe saving this will make that looking up part a little easier.

Daily Work: It’s Raining

It has been a day of rain. Almost all day long, it’s been raining and raining, sometimes with thunder and lightning. On the radio this morning, the meteorologist joked, “You’ve heard that April showers bring May flowers? Today there will be enough rain that you could float the Mayflower.” Ahh, the witty stylings of NPR.

Other than the rain, the day went fairly well. I had an update with Sharon, and got several things taken care of. I created a list of things that I needed her to help me with, and the meeting seemed like it had a structure, rather than me randomly fiddling around with my notebook. It may be a change worth keeping, especially now that Sharon is so much busier.

She and I went out to lunch at Chili’s after the meeting, and naturally we continued talking about the various things that needed taken care of. After, I pulled some information from the ReadWriteThink database for her. We need to start gathering stats and details for end of the quarter and end of the year reports. I typed up feedback on the MarcoGram newsletters that MarcoPolo puts out. They’re considering redesign options, so it was our chance to look through the recent issues and think of things that might help teachers. I also mocked up a search page for staff to use on the site. We’re having some difficulty finding things on the site now that so much content is online.

This evening, I’ve mostly fiddled about. I did some work fixing Firefox extensions that were misbehaving. Also tried to research options for Computers and Writing in Lubbock. So little final information is online though that I feel like I’m guessing.

Everything feels very complicated in my life. Do I go to Lubbock? It will take at least 8 days of travel, half of it spent driving. The dorms are very cheap, but don’t have Internet access as far as I can tell. The hotel looks like $85/night w/o taxes, but has free wireless. Then there’s my need to sleep propped up with a bunch of pillows to keep from having acid reflux problems. And my addiction to cold water and caffeine-free soda. I’m a horribly annoying burden on humanity. Far too needy, and Lord knows I don’t need to go to another conference where I spend so much time in my room alone. Will I know how to do this conference? I don’t seem to know how to do CCCC anymore. I haven’t been to C&W since Purdue. Surely I can remember. Of course, I wasn’t perfect in West Lafayette either.

I so need a plan to my life.

Daily Work: At Home

After a bout of horrible intestinal problems from 2 to 3:30 AM and again this morning after I ate something, I decided that NCTE could survive without me. I’ve spent the day bonding with my heating pad and occasionally checking e-mail. Rice with chicken broth has been the meal of choice.

I’ve been working this evening on a Writer’s blog lesson plan—your basic writer’s log done as blog entries. It was that or a Cliff Notes lesson plan that I was going to tie to the relevant List of Ten. Writer’s blogs seemed easier, although I’m not sure yet what the interactive piece will be. Back to writing . . .

Daily Work: In the Dark

Okay, yes, I frequently retreat to the darkness of my bedroom; but that didn’t mean that I wanted to go 15 hours without electricity. And, yes, tornados freak me out; but that didn’t mean that I wanted to sleep through the tornado warning last night that sent all my colleagues to their basements and bathtubs. Somehow, last night, despite sirens and cell phone messages, I slept through the two tornado warnings and hurricane-strength straight-line winds that wreaked havoc through Champaign. I still don’t know why my weather radio didn’t go off. And I didn’t know what was really happening until 8 this morning. I went to bed for a nap at 6 or so last night. When I woke up at 9:30, it was all over. I just didn’t know any of it had happened. I came out to the living room to watch tv and fiddle about. Within about 5 minutes, the cable went out. I noticed big trucks down the street, and didn’t think anything of it. I turned on a tivoed movie. Ten minutes later the power went out. It didn’t come back till 12:45 today. Fortunately I have a gas stove and hot water heater. Otherwise, I would have lost my mind fully. Instead, I didn’t even find out about the tornado warnings till I flipped open my cell phone at 11:15 and saw the text messages. When I go to hide in the dark, this isn’t quite what I had in mind.

Daily Nonsense

Clearly I am insane. I have things to write and do. It’s 3 in the morning, and I am not in bed. No. I am searching for an infomercial to watch. Not just any infomercial either. I have gotten it into my mind, in some masochistic move, to find an infomercial about fat people. I’ve slept too much today really, or at least during all the wrong hours. And even though I did accomplish some things today (hello bottom of the kitchen sink. I wondered what you looked like), I feel like a waste. I just have been doing everything wrong. I can’t seem to follow the rules like everyone else. I can’t do what I’m supposed to do. Even though I punish myself unendingly and cry every day, I don’t do anything I’m supposed to. I don’t do anything that normal people would do. Even when someone tells me what s/he wants, I don’t do it. I just persist in the wrong. And now I’m awake at 3 am, listening to “Dirty Little Secret” and thinking of all the ways that I am one and all my secrets and stupidity and insanity. Such an unending waste I am. It’s no wonder things turn out as they do. What else could I ever expect when I look like this and act even stupider? Moron me. /me stabs her eyes out so she doesn’t have to look in the mirror anymore. Dagger eyes, cutting everything, even when they’re closed. Never do it right. Even though I see everyone else do it right. I can’t get over the wrongs and failures. I can’t get past everything, and the only option is to disappear into sleep. But it’s 3 am, and I’m awake, with my mind racing on the wrongs. Stupid. Maybe tomorrow I can write all the real entries, deal with all the drafts of my life that never get finished. Meanwhile. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In the News: Pupils warned over web bullying

BBC NEWS | UK | England | Hampshire | Pupils warned over web bullying—though positioned as “a very unusual case” this situation seems just like any other school cases of bullying. A new medium may be involved, but this kind of attack is hardly new. Besides, didn’t these people see Cruel Intentions? Geesh. Online attack pages are hardly new stuff.