Why do I feel like such a failure for eating one cracker? Yes, that’s all I’ve had today. I was late. I’m always late, so I didn’t eat anything before coming in. I had had nothing since I’ve gotten here. Not even water. But I caved in and ate a cracker. And now, I feel like the world’s largest failure. But I’m not really sure what I failed at. Maybe everything.

Well, the day is almost over, and I haven’t done anything useful. I’m such a slacker. I did begin the laundry, and I need to go down to the basement and deal with the load in the washer. Other than that I fiddled about with TiVo settings and watched various things on Food Network and TCM. I had some trouble with the desktop application for the TiVo transfers. I ultimately had to delete every file with the word TiVo in its name by hand; then do a reinstall. It’s working though, and I copied a file to my machine. Didn’t try a DVD burn though. I have three blank DVDs but they are fairly nice. I need to go buy some cheap ones to practice with.

I feel badly. Partly, if not all physical. I so have physical symptoms and whatnot. But maybe it’s partly mental. My brain is stupid, so it’s probably partly my brain. I was having bad thoughts today about my life. I kept thinking that I wanted to just be a housewife, to stay home, keep things tidy, sew, cook for someone. I want to just do that. Maybe I just want someone who is mine to take care of. But that’s an all-wrong thought and my women’s studies training slapped my conscience around for such inappropriate thoughts. I think all the wrong things. Maybe I’m just still having nostalgic loneliness for the things I used to be able to do when I was home for the holidays, for the things I wanted to do but didn’t get to. I don’t know. I often think that I was born in the wrong time period. I just know that sometimes, like today, I think things that I know I’m not supposed to, that everything I’ve ever been taught says are wrong. I don’t know why I think such wrong things, so many different wrong things.

woohoo! I now have the TiVo working through the Airport. Wireless :) It took FOREVER to download that software and update the box. In that time, I read/skimmed the manual. Turns out TiVo is a Linux box. I’m so entertained by that. If I had known, it would have been another reason to choose it.

The cool part of all this is that now that TiVo is on the network, it’s just like another computer on the LAN. Well, actually it IS another computer on the LAN. I can copy recorded shows from the TiVo to my laptop and then burn them out as DVDs or save them as Windows Media files to play on another computer.

Now it’s time for sleep, but when I get up, I’ll go about scheduling things so that it records things while I’m at work or asleep. I know I’m being a lazy, gluttonous brat; but it’s too late now I guess. I already have it, and it’s all set up.

I am TiVoed. I rearranged the pile of electronics to new heights and untangled and then retangled a million wires. The update to the latest version of the software is still going on, but it’s working even now. The download is taking a lifetime, because it uses the phone line. Once I get the latest software, I can get it on the DSL connection. For the time being, however, I’m entertained.

I also (finally) unloaded nearly everything from the car earlier this afternoon. Some of it it still sitting in the kitchen, and other bits are scattered around. Most of it is not unpacked. But it’s not in the car anymore. That has to be enough. That and I got the trash to the street. That is the best I seem able to do today.

Karla and Dickie finished up the work on the C&W proposal. I may never have done less to create a conference proposal. I don’t deserve to even be included, but they tell me it’s too late now.

I just made an amazing sandwich, working from a Food Network recipe that I saw on Friday on Quick Fix with Robin Miller for Monte Cristo Sandwiches with Swiss and Ham.

I didn’t really have the right ingredients, so I made up something similar yet different. They layered combination of flavors is absolutely, wonderfully unreal.

So that I can do this again, here’s the recipe as I modified it—different ingredients and to make only one sandwich. It’s not really a Monte Cristo anymore, but I haven’t come up with a new name for it:

Cooking spray 1 large eggs (I used Egg Beaters instead) 1 tablespoons milk 1/2 teaspoon honey mustard (I didn’t have dijon) 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon sugar (I couldn’t find my cinnamon. I added extra since it was diluted) dash of salt dash of ground black pepper 1 tablespoon sugar-free apricot preserves 2 slices oatmeal bread 3 ounces sliced honey turkey 1 slice sharp cheddar cheese Coat a large griddle or skillet with cooking spray and set pan over medium heat. In a shallow dish, whisk together eggs, milk, mustard, cinnamon, salt, and black pepper. Set aside. Spread apricot preserves on the slices of bread. Top with turkey and cheese slices. Top with second slice of bread and transfer sandwiches to egg mixture. Turn to coat both sides. Transfer sandwiches to hot pan and cook 3 to 5 minutes per side, until golden brown on the outside and cheese begins to melt.

I would never have put my spicy honey mustard with things like apricots and cinnamon, but it was a great layering. Mmmm. I cut the egg wash part of the recipe in half, because I it was simpler than trying to cut it to 1/4s for just one sandwich. I had a bit of the wash leftover, but that was simpler than trying to figure out a 1/2 an egg.

I’m not sure that I can call today a day of tidying, but parts of the house look better. I put piles of books away and rearranged things slightly. Moved all the Girl Scout books to a thin bookcase in the bedroom, which freed space up for the tons of young adult lit books and books that incorporate computer technologies in one way or another. Put away the piles of books that have been out since I went to Michigan as well. Yes, I am so slovenly that I have had books piled up in the way since June. That pile also included a lot of paper that has gone into the trash. I really haven’t accomplished much. Everything is still in the car, save the small things that I’ve brought in. I need to get all that stuff out of the car. I never seem to get enough done :(

A lovely Friday the Thirteenth, more or less. The Service Engine Soon light went back off. My TIVO arrived, not that I’ve set it up yet. I’m still trying to tidy things, and I may rearrange that entire television area. I even got dressed and left the house, even though I took the day off. I went by Bed, Bath, and Beyond and got a new pillow and skillet—not to be used together. The pillow is divine. I have tried it out several times. It’s lovely, sinking my head down into such soft fluffiness. I also did the traditional grocery store trip, and I bought mostly things that are good for me, even though I’m about as horrible at dieting as a person can be. A bit after I got home, a full contingent of fire trucks and emergency vehicles showed up in the block south of me. We never did figure out exactly what they were doing. The neighbor and I decided the wind must has knocked something onto a transformer or something of that sort. It was wickedly windy. I didn’t really do much in the way of cleaning. Okay, I changed two burned out lightbulbs, and I threw two empty boxes down the steps. Surely that counts as cleaning. I’m counting it anyway.

Lisa and I just decided that Friday the 13th is an unlucky day to be at work, so we’re both taking tomorrow off. 4-day weekend!!!

Okay, so I think my plan is to try to get the Christmas wrapping paper put away and do a thorough cleaning of things. Or maybe just sleep a lot. Probably not all that exciting to the normal human, but I need some downtime at the house to try to make my world less scattered.

Woohoo!
[23:30] * ChanServ sets mode: +h tengrrl

I got ops in #blogshares! permanently even!

Got up and was at work in time for a meeting. Unfortunately, the meeting was cancelled because someone was sick. Guess I skipped breakfast and ran to work for fun. I didn’t even leave early tonight. Silly me. I was writing, and I just went with the flow, and suddenly it was 7 PM. I’m supposed to leave at 6:30. I’ve been a slacker this week though, so I can use the extra hours.

We had a ReadWriteThink status meeting this afternoon with our partners at IRA. Pretty much status quo. Fortunately, Sharon fed me leftover rice before the meeting, so I didn’t expire. I’m beginning to think that I’ve been so tired and falling asleep at work because I haven’t been eating or drinking. I’ve been sitting there trying to get things done and suddenly I’ll realize that it’s late in the afternoon and I’ve never even gotten a drink of water. I can’t seem to get my eating in order either, so I end up with nothing there to really eat. I think I went all day Monday eating and drinking nothing till I came back home, and I know there were similar days most of the time I was in the office last week. Yesterday, I found time for tea and even ate some crackers, and I was remarkably more awake. I wouldn’t have thought that food would do that, but it’s the only explanation that I can come up with.

Sharon is still threatening me with an intervention. I just can’t snap out of it, and all my belongings are still in the car. Well, that’s not true. I brought in my dirty clothes on Saturday, so that I could wash them. And Monday, I actually dug out my hair dryer. I think her intervention mostly entails emptying my car, but my house is such a wreck. I can’t have her coming in here. I’m such a mess.

Fortunately, this evening I found the miracle of All-American Rejects. After I listened to the PostSecret-highlighting video on sordid blog, I really wanted that album. This evening, I was looking in my iTune library, and there it was. Now, I didn’t buy it. My guess is that my niece put it there when I was in Virginia for Christmas. But regardless, I so nice to find surprise music on my machine tonight.

I also got the tracking number for the lovely TIVO that I ordered over the weekend, and I ordered a wireless adapter so that I can set it up when it arrives. Maybe I’m being a baby, but I’ve just gotten to the point where there’s nothing on TV when I have time to watch it. I end up watching the same episodes of Spongebob over and over and over. On other nights, I really want to go to bed, but I have to wait till I can see The Daily Show. Then I’ll miss something and have to wait for the second showing. I need a DVR in my life. Of course, I still need to clean up my house so that I can install this thing when it arrives. I wish I weren’t such a mess.

I do fear that I’m in my horrible “I’m sad so I’m buying things” phase. I get depressed and do things that I probably shouldn’t. Pretty much the story of my life really. I eat because I’m depressed. I sleep because I’m depressed. I buy things because I’m depressed. I don’t know anymore. I do know that I have been researching TIVO for about 3 months or so. Maybe a little longer. In October I think. When I saw that there were some boxes on sale, and that the sale was ending, I went for it. Who knows though? Maybe it’s the same old pattern. I wish I weren’t so lame.