sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep that lasts forever. or at least from 6 pm till 8 am. sleep. how could i sleep so long? it’s like i just gave out yesterday afternoon. i left work early, went home, took off my jeans, and climbed in bed. woke up around midnight and decided that sleeping in clothes was not the most comfortable thing. changed things. went back to sleep. and even when the alarm clock went off at 7, i still couldn’t get out of bed. i set it for 8 and went back to sleep again. if i didn’t have to come to work today, i’d probably still be asleep.

i’m not sure why sleep is such a great escape really. i have these dreams which taunt and frighten me, but somehow even that seems better than being awake. so much easier to hide with dreams than to be awake with the real world.

monday night, i forgot to blow out the candles in the front room. while i was sleeping, they were burning and burning, steadily on. when i got up tuesday and found them, i panicked thinking of that time that i left the gas on. was it on purpose, or did i really forget? what if? a million what if’s.

it can be so quiet that i wonder if there are any sounds at all. so still. so silent. and if i see, hear, touch, taste, smell no one and no one me, am i the tree in the forest? sometimes i don’t bother. i disappear. who would know? it’s very quiet. only the noise of the computer fan. if i didn’t type, there’d be no noise at all. everything would disappear too, like me.

last night,
in the movie,
she said,
“i gave up on this

a long time ago”
and suddenly
i wondered
what i’d been thinking
and everything
every possible thing
fell a p a r t

it’s february now.

that means that i need to write something to keep in good pursuit of my new years rez to post at least once a month. posting now will free my time for the 31 days of oscar. besides i can’t sleep. all i can do is toss about and feel sad.

night time is a bad
shepherd
when you’re lost
and no one
really notices
you are even there
so there is nothing
not even sleep
nothing
and you wonder
is it worth it
can it matter
when no one
even sees
the light on
and no one
and i mean not
anyone
no one
ever knocks
let alone
comes in

wholesome. delicious. warm. you know you want to give tengrrl your very best. so what are you doing sitting there? it’s likely that you can’t get up and give her a snuggly, warm hug; so do what any brainy person would do.

get out your credit card and start buying up gift certificates made out to your favorite tengrrl—buy her love. she’s not picky: amazon.com, borders.com, barnesandnoble.com. shoot she’ll even accept large sums of target.com gift certificates if you’re pressed for time. and it’s not too late either! gift giving should take place year-round. don’t buy into the commercialistic limitations of the month of December. be a rebel. give in an off-month.

and what’s more…you can double your gain for this outlay of cash: you buy tengrrl’s love and you get to learn by example. “learn what?” you may ask. why acceptance, of course. you can get to watch tengrrl graciously accept all these fun-filled gift certificates!

is there anything that the world needs more of these days than love and acceptance? and here you can buy love and learn about acceptance all at the same time. it’s a bargain, i tell you! a pure and excellent bargain!

picked up mail kept in bondage at the post office while i was out of town. this bounty, once freed from the meticulously twisted rubber bands, revealed 3 oz. of mail to keep, and 2 lbs. 2 oz. of mail to trash.

most illuminating piece of mail began: “As a student enrolled in school you may be interested in our winter work.” wholly loofah, dragongrrl! now what am I gonna do? first, i don’t remember ever applying, and i’m pretty sure that i never paid tuition. but worse still, i don’t remember ever going to class. i’m sure to fail and then there goes the gpa. poodle feathers and rabbit spawn! i’m totally screwed now. i’ll never be able to get my dream job now, and i really, really, really wanted to make a career with the fine people of the flexible bionic insurrectionists (fbi).

i’m really angry about this. really.

if the quiz didn’t make things clear to you, use the handy chart below to resolve your grrliness quotient.

general girls goody two shoes always says please sweet and neat too tired to party wearing the wrong thing can’t, shouldn’t, won’t the safe path early to bed

tengrrl! deliciously wicked always a tease kiss my feet energygrrl wearing the wrong thong can and will the safety dance we have to go to bed?

2004 is the Year of Tengrrl! follow my lead and complete this questionnaire to determine your outlook on life for the year. if your answers don’t match mine, you are not doing a very good job of aspiring to grrlhood. you must try harder.

1. what does tengrrl really want?

besides ruling the world, which would ensure a constant supply of diet brown soda, i want to post a lot of stuff here so that my page is more interesting than rich’s.

2. what makes tengrrl full of grrlness?

diet brown soda, silly. isn’t that obvious from the previous answer? oh, ok, really my grrlness springs from my inner being. a grrl just is. there’s not much you can do to aspire to grrlness. you either are or you aren’t.

3. what does tengrrl flourish, prosper, and thrive?

diet brown soda. geez but this is redundant.

4. what gets tengrrl booted (e.g., up and running, not kicked out)?

um, diet brown soda. is this a consistency quiz?

5. what makes tengrrl’s mouth water?

diet sprite… ha. thought you’d trick me, didn’t you? everyone who is anyone knows that the true grrl craves diet brown soda with salty snacks, chocolate snacks, and greasy snacks. that takes care of all four food groups.

6. what’s tengrrl’s favorite way to misbehave?

other than posting silly information on the web?

7. what does tengrrl find very ungrrly?

tang.

8. what do bunnies make you think of?

snuggly, cuddly cuteness.

9. what if Dude weren’t okay after he got ambushed at lookout in Rio Bravo?

humanity as we know it would have been obliterated as reality skewed into a world where Krispy Kreme donuts were never invented.

10. An evil force appears to be stalking your friends. What do you do?

well, first, i would consider removing the evil force without telling them, but hell no grrl risks her life if people aren’t gonna know about it so that they can worship her. so i guess next, for a fleeting moment, i’d consider the option of squealing in fear, crying, and then calling upon the gods to save me and my friends; but that won’t work either cuz you can’t be a grrl and squeal like a pig at the same time. a very, very powerful grrl might try to use love to cure the force of its evil ways; but how the devil do you love a force? and besides there are far better things for a grrl to spend her love on, and they require far less penicillin than evil forces do. so next, i might think, “okay, i’ll challenge evil to a duel”; but unless i happen to have exploding snaps on hand that’s not likely to work and even then it’s gonna take a long time. so finally, the correct answer would come to me:
          tell Fred to put ICON away and stop annoying people.

tengrrl’s new year’s resolution
it’s a new year for me! this year, i will make an effort to post at least once a month. i’m doing this for me because i want to feel like only a partial slacker. and i want to know that my accounts have not been reaped for non-use. this is the year that i’ll make it happen!

i know it won’t be easy, but this is the year i’ll overcome the things that have stopped me in the past, such as life, liberty, and the pursuit of sleep.

this is the year that i’ll dedicate myself to monthly efforts. i’ll do whatever it takes to make it to my goal and more, including skipping breakfast, sleeping one less minute per week, and ignoring the phone when it rings. and after all, i only said an effort, not that i’d post each month. that means i only have to randomly think about it. i don’t have to be a blogoholic like rich.

i’m resolved, and i’m going to do it: this is the year i’m going to make my dream come true. this is my year!