pedablogical

Useful Windows XP DOS Commands & Tricks » Digital Inspiration: Software Reviews, Technology News, Downloads, Productivity Tips—Things that I probably know, but always have to look up. Maybe saving this will make that looking up part a little easier.

It has been a day of rain. Almost all day long, it’s been raining and raining, sometimes with thunder and lightning. On the radio this morning, the meteorologist joked, “You’ve heard that April showers bring May flowers? Today there will be enough rain that you could float the Mayflower.” Ahh, the witty stylings of NPR.

Other than the rain, the day went fairly well. I had an update with Sharon, and got several things taken care of. I created a list of things that I needed her to help me with, and the meeting seemed like it had a structure, rather than me randomly fiddling around with my notebook. It may be a change worth keeping, especially now that Sharon is so much busier.

She and I went out to lunch at Chili’s after the meeting, and naturally we continued talking about the various things that needed taken care of. After, I pulled some information from the ReadWriteThink database for her. We need to start gathering stats and details for end of the quarter and end of the year reports. I typed up feedback on the MarcoGram newsletters that MarcoPolo puts out. They’re considering redesign options, so it was our chance to look through the recent issues and think of things that might help teachers. I also mocked up a search page for staff to use on the site. We’re having some difficulty finding things on the site now that so much content is online.

This evening, I’ve mostly fiddled about. I did some work fixing Firefox extensions that were misbehaving. Also tried to research options for Computers and Writing in Lubbock. So little final information is online though that I feel like I’m guessing.

Everything feels very complicated in my life. Do I go to Lubbock? It will take at least 8 days of travel, half of it spent driving. The dorms are very cheap, but don’t have Internet access as far as I can tell. The hotel looks like $85/night w/o taxes, but has free wireless. Then there’s my need to sleep propped up with a bunch of pillows to keep from having acid reflux problems. And my addiction to cold water and caffeine-free soda. I’m a horribly annoying burden on humanity. Far too needy, and Lord knows I don’t need to go to another conference where I spend so much time in my room alone. Will I know how to do this conference? I don’t seem to know how to do CCCC anymore. I haven’t been to C&W since Purdue. Surely I can remember. Of course, I wasn’t perfect in West Lafayette either.

I so need a plan to my life.

After a bout of horrible intestinal problems from 2 to 3:30 AM and again this morning after I ate something, I decided that NCTE could survive without me. I’ve spent the day bonding with my heating pad and occasionally checking e-mail. Rice with chicken broth has been the meal of choice.

I’ve been working this evening on a Writer’s blog lesson plan—your basic writer’s log done as blog entries. It was that or a Cliff Notes lesson plan that I was going to tie to the relevant List of Ten. Writer’s blogs seemed easier, although I’m not sure yet what the interactive piece will be. Back to writing . . .

Okay, yes, I frequently retreat to the darkness of my bedroom; but that didn’t mean that I wanted to go 15 hours without electricity. And, yes, tornados freak me out; but that didn’t mean that I wanted to sleep through the tornado warning last night that sent all my colleagues to their basements and bathtubs. Somehow, last night, despite sirens and cell phone messages, I slept through the two tornado warnings and hurricane-strength straight-line winds that wreaked havoc through Champaign. I still don’t know why my weather radio didn’t go off. And I didn’t know what was really happening until 8 this morning. I went to bed for a nap at 6 or so last night. When I woke up at 9:30, it was all over. I just didn’t know any of it had happened. I came out to the living room to watch tv and fiddle about. Within about 5 minutes, the cable went out. I noticed big trucks down the street, and didn’t think anything of it. I turned on a tivoed movie. Ten minutes later the power went out. It didn’t come back till 12:45 today. Fortunately I have a gas stove and hot water heater. Otherwise, I would have lost my mind fully. Instead, I didn’t even find out about the tornado warnings till I flipped open my cell phone at 11:15 and saw the text messages. When I go to hide in the dark, this isn’t quite what I had in mind.

Clearly I am insane. I have things to write and do. It’s 3 in the morning, and I am not in bed. No. I am searching for an infomercial to watch. Not just any infomercial either. I have gotten it into my mind, in some masochistic move, to find an infomercial about fat people. I’ve slept too much today really, or at least during all the wrong hours. And even though I did accomplish some things today (hello bottom of the kitchen sink. I wondered what you looked like), I feel like a waste. I just have been doing everything wrong. I can’t seem to follow the rules like everyone else. I can’t do what I’m supposed to do. Even though I punish myself unendingly and cry every day, I don’t do anything I’m supposed to. I don’t do anything that normal people would do. Even when someone tells me what s/he wants, I don’t do it. I just persist in the wrong. And now I’m awake at 3 am, listening to “Dirty Little Secret” and thinking of all the ways that I am one and all my secrets and stupidity and insanity. Such an unending waste I am. It’s no wonder things turn out as they do. What else could I ever expect when I look like this and act even stupider? Moron me. /me stabs her eyes out so she doesn’t have to look in the mirror anymore. Dagger eyes, cutting everything, even when they’re closed. Never do it right. Even though I see everyone else do it right. I can’t get over the wrongs and failures. I can’t get past everything, and the only option is to disappear into sleep. But it’s 3 am, and I’m awake, with my mind racing on the wrongs. Stupid. Maybe tomorrow I can write all the real entries, deal with all the drafts of my life that never get finished. Meanwhile. Stupid, stupid, stupid.