pedablogical

Sometimes, I honestly think these [one and two] stupid postcards are me. Damn you PostSecret.

Miles, am I going crazy? Don’t spare me. I’ve got to know.

No, you’re not. Even these days, it isn’t as easy to go crazy as you might think. But you don’t have to be losing your mind to need psychiatric help.

—Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956)
Republic Pictures

Scrapbooking meets blogging – Lifehacker—intriguing…

Do you ever sit down to write something and find that you can’t figure out anything to say that even begins to sound useful? I have been trying to write this entry for over an hour. I deleted it twice. This is at least the third try, and yet I still can’t seem to figure out what I mean to say. I only know that I want to say something. Sure I could report the events of the day. I did this and that, and I didn’t have the energy to do these other things.

It’s almost as if my head is empty of anything other than flat statements that just seem incredibly stupid. I write them and then I delete them. It doesn’t actually accomplish much in the way to writing.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to write an entry right now anyway. That is a lot of the problem I am sure. I’m not even sure what I want to write about; yet I need to write something. I have things that I need to say, but somehow I can’t say them or I’m not allowed to say them. I have to keep quiet. And as a result, somehow I’m stuck. Would it help if I said everything? Not really. It would only make things worse I expect.

I’m just stuck in the same little pattern. Over and over. Get up tired, go dressed, go to work, work and work and work, drive home, turn on the basement light because I need to deal with the laundry, walk up the steps into the kitchen, realize I’m too tired to clean or cook, sit in front of the computer unable to write, realize I don’t really have anyone to talk to anyway, walk out to the kitchen, prepare junk to eat because I’m too tired to invest in cooking, look down the open basement door and feel guilty about the laundry, look at the kitchen and feel guilty about the dirty dishes, go back to the computer, eat and feel guilty and sick because I’m eating bad food, search the Web for diet options, stare at the computer some more, realize I’m too tired to do anything like exercise and too overwhelmed to eat the right things, randomly search around for things that I don’t find, stare at the computer some more, eventually give up and go to bed, sleep restlessly, turn off the alarm clock three times because I’m too tired, start over.

Stuck. Stuck and overwhelmed by the inertia it would take to fix any of it. So I just sit here. Wishing and feeling guilty.

In a spot of boredom, I was playing with camera settings, and figured out how to do close-ups. They appear to be more fuzzy than the already fuzzy regular versions, but I was entertained by the ability nonetheless.

The silly camera has face tracking, and I didn’t realize that it was keeping me from doing close-ups and whatnot till about 15 minutes ago.

None of this is helping me solve my problems, and I think the only reason that I am posting this picture is really that it’s so close that you can’t really tell the details of my portly reality.

Someone said today that from the back, my hair looked like it should be in a shampoo commercial. Why can’t I be a Barbie everywhere damn it?

Today was another day. I still don’t know what I’m going to do about Lubbock, but I do know that I need to figure it out. I just feel so brainless. I want all the wrong things, and they’re not even things that I have a chance of getting; but I guess that isn’t really getting us anywhere.

I thought about trying to guess out what my requirements were for Lubbock. Maybe that would be more helpful than that list of to-do’s that I created.

• must have a/c or will die
• need to have cold water and/or the CF diet soda (ice chest? frig? something)
• must have a bed that I can pile up properly so that I don’t cough all night

I guess those are the most important things really. The rest is mostly things that I would like. The sticking points are money and location. The dorm is probably closer to the folks I would want to see, and it’s cheaper. But the dorm is least likely to fit those three needs. I don’t know what to do. I know that I will need more hotel rooms, since it’s a 2-day drive each way. I know that it’s pricey when you add up all the money. And I left out the privacy issues. Communal showers are not my thing. Really they’re fairly impossible for me given how much I hate myself.

Everything that I really need points to the hotel. The things that I want point to the dorm. Hell.

I should just give up. I’m useless at conferences anyway. stupid me.