pedablogical

After a bit of a meltdown around noon, I’ve been sitting here at the computer trying to figure out chapter 4. Meltdown? Well, it’s just that I haven’t had a moment to write this week, even though I MUST finish this book this month and I have at least 3 chapters to go. When one more thing appeared that it seemed like I was going to have to work on today before I could get to the book, I lost it. I cried in three different offices, the bathroom, and on my way to those locations. I feel like I’m under so much pressure to get this thing done, and yet I don’t have any time to actually get it done. So my dear boss proclaimed that other things could wait, and that I could indeed write this afternoon.

That brings us to my current situation. First I read what I had written last weekend to figure out where I was and pick up the explanation. I wrote a bit, connecting gaps that I left in the text and trying to continue through the outline. At a certain point, I decided that maybe I needed to stop the entire process and write the lesson plan that will ultimately accompany this chapter. Then, I thought, I can go back and write this prose description of the process of putting it together. Yet it seemed problematic to stop what I’m doing this close to deadline to write something else altogether that absolutely will not be text I can just drop into the chapter.

Sigh. So I kept trying to write the chapter. Maybe an hour ago, I decided that what I was doing was just all wrong. There’s too much bloody detail. It would NEVER make it into the final book. Here’s an example:

As they work, I ask questions to help them consider everything they are authorities in: Do you play any sports? What about work? What about your hobbies? Do you play video games? Are there places that you’re an expert on? What about animals and plants? Any you know a lot about? Are you an expert on any television shows or movies? Are there any musicians or kinds of music you know well? I also remind students that they’re just brainstorming. They will have the chance to go back later and remove anything that doesn’t seem to fit. For now, they’re just writing down everything they feel they know a great deal about.

Um, no. It’s surely what I would do if I were teaching this writing activity that I’m talking about in Chapter 4; but it’s just too much. Too basic. Too stupid to include. So I pulled my current touchstone Both Art and Craft off the shelf AGAIN to check my thinking. Diana Mitchell doesn’t even begin to use that kind of silly detail. It’s all wrong.

So then there was another bit of a meltdown, though it was contained to my cubicle. What the hell am I doing? I no longer know what this damned chapter is about. It’s never felt right, and now I’m realizing that the text that I do have is all wrong. So the rereading started. I reread the text for Chapter 4, which begins with an list of items that forecasts what the chapter will cover. I tried to fill in jot notes under each of the ten (who woulda guessed?) steps/guidelines, and dragged text around to move some of it into different steps. The more I’ve looked at it, the more redundant and overcomplicated it looks. So I tried to narrow it down, rearrange the items, or SOMETHING. That’s when I noticed that four of the ten items were some assessment related thing—and it’s NOT a book about assessment.

I began rereading the whole manuscript, because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what is right. I do know that what I have is very wrong. It’s focused, but it’s not really right. I think it starts on the right track, but then it derails into overwhelming detail. So back to reading, and trying to figure this mess out. If I don’t get it soon, the breakdown will be very problematic. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I may (I hope, I think, I dream) be unstuck. I rewrote an ending for Chapter 3 and started trying to figure out the structure for Chapter 4. In total, I probably wrote only 3 or 4 pages over the weekend; but I do think there’s enough there to know what I’m trying to do. Unfortunately there are just starts of things. I didn’t finish any of the blocks of text.

Well, it appears that I am stuck. Chapter 3 is 45 pages long, but the ending just doesn’t feel right. Nor can I manage to figure out how to start Chapter 4. The two chapters need to connect to each other, but I just can’t find the right way to do it.

Three goes through a series of pedagogical beliefs, one-by-one, and discusses how each one relates to the topic/goal of the overall text. Four is supposed to work through an example in complete detail.

Part of me thinks that Three could just end after the last belief is dealt with. They’re numbered, and that’s all that the chapter does. Does it really need a conclusion? Can I just start the next chapter? I looked at the ends of chapters in Both Art and Craft, and a good number of the chapters just end after the last teaching idea is dealt with. Can I do that? It feels like cheating, but anything else feels redundant.

Gah . . . Maybe this is the point in my life when writing a dissertation would have been helpful. I’d know whether and how to transition in such things. That part of me that thinks maybe it would be okay to just end after the twelfth belief is being seduced by another part of me that says, “This will go out for review. Just move on and wait till someone tells you it’s wrong.” Okay, yes, I know that’s very lame. But it would help me move on to the next chapter (which was due Sept 6, so it’s seriously late).

Poopies. I’m supposed to have this chapter seriously underway and have a new schedule written by tomorrow afternoon. :( And I have to get the all of the book written by the end of October. Maybe I should hire a ghost writer.

So because I was supposed to be figuring out how to start the chapter that is nearly a month behind, I wrote an article to submit to California English instead. The Winter issue is on pop culture, so I tossed together an article on bridging television and literature. It’s very list of ten-ish, so it may well be rejected immediately. The last article I sent out with a list in it was dinged, so I’m not ready to invest emotion in this new piece yet.

Suddenly this afternoon, as I was trying to clean up the deep piles of work in the office, I realized that I haven’t posted in a month. I’m not sure what happened. What a sinking sad feeling to realize that I haven’t done anything though. I feel so tired and sad and lost. How did I let so much time pass by?