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#9 — The Road Back to St. Joe Posted March 18, 2001, 11:48 PM 8:30 AM, The final pass As I make the final check of the room, packing my belongings, I learn that my roommate has left three personal articles behind. I do not know if they are gifts or lost poetry. I pack them in my belongings and head downstairs. 9:06 AM, Adam's Mark Lobby After explaining billing to the front desk, I take my printout and head toward Eric, who waits near the cushy lobby seats. Before we leave, Eric places his palm in the horseshoe of the giant horse for luck. He wipes away a tear, thinking of the fallen Tamagotchi who will not make the trip home across Kansas and Missouri. Upon walking outside to put the last of my belongings inside and strap in for the ride through hell, er, Kansas, I learn that monkeys have packed the vehicle. Eric was hoping that I wouldn't notice. The things that we most needed access to were buried; things that are useless are right up front. The TV, for instance, square behind the front seat. That will be SOOOO handy in Kansas when I want the cookies buried in the box behind it. Things are tilted and haphazard, but I decide not to worry about it for now. We jump in the car and we're off. 9:16 AM, I-70 East Onramp Everything in the back slides toward the passenger side. I notice that the ice chest (which does contain ice, presumably melting ice) is not sitting crooked. We realize that on our first stop, we'll need to rearrange the car. We decide to get out of town before we worry about it. 10 AM or so, Limon, CO We stop at Rip Griffin's Truck Stop. The ice chest has been dripping down the luggage for about an hour now. We rearrange everything so that nothing is dripping, chocolate and salt are reachable, and the passenger seat reclines. In the truck stop's expensive gifts that you can't do without section, Eric finds a cowpie frisbee. He says that he is not going to buy one, but I notice as I walk out of the store behind him, that he drops a receipt and that there's an odd flat round place in his shirt. When we get to the car, he "conveniently" asks me to put something in the back; then he races up to the front and some trickery takes place. I'm certain that there is a cowpie in the car. 10:15 AM, I-70 East, Wandering through eastern Colorado I quiz Eric, asking him the 10 prewriting questions for travelogue writers that I have written. He does ok, but he's still a bit of an amateur. He is consistent anyway. When I ask ""If your trip were a fable, what would the moral be?" Eric replies, boredom leads to success. When asked what was the most monotonous feature of his journey and how he could make it interesting to someone else, Eric replies, the Eastern Colorado horizon, and nothing could make it interesting. It's pretty clear that Mr. Crump has potential but is unwilling to apply himself. C- 11:00, Bovina My visit to the little poet's room in Limon was inspirational, despite the cowpie incident: Bovina Nothing could be Finah Bovina Not a Bovine To be seen-a Bovina Still a Long Way From Salina 11:17 AM, Arriba, Elevation 5228 Feet Eric explains how they calculate the elevation above sea level. Husky people drill a calibrated stake down to the center of the earth and out the other side. Someone with a pickup or a mule drives out to the coast and does some horizontal boring from the seashore toward the stake at the given location. (People from Eastern Colorado and Kansas are well suited for boring as they have much practice.) When the two stakes intersect, a blast of ugly green paint is smeared on the vertical stake through the earth. The stake is removed and the location is noted for history. The hole through the earth is left so that people can easily get from the US to China. 11:33 AM, Desolate Eastern Colorado Dirt How brown the dirt Dirt Dirt Dirt OH! A TUMBLEWEED!!! Dirt Dirt Dirt Dirt 11:42 AM, Desolate Eastern Colorado shoddily placed shubbery 20 30 40 feet apart not a snow break a snow annoyance A sign for Hays State notes it affordable success if only they knew boredom alone leads to success 12:07 PM, Just over the Kansas State Line Eric exclaims, My GOD!!! Those people have a woodchuck on their van roof. He dials the state police who speed into the area and pull over the van. The passing of the Tamagotchi may have been too much. The woodchuck is discovered to be skis. The officer asks Eric, just what did you think a woodchuck looked like anyway? Eric sulks and returns to the car. 12:17 PM, Desolate Western Kansas Delirium has set in. I see a sign that says, GO BATS! As we drive closer we see that it says (in big letters) 60 (in little letters) miles to (in big letters) HAYS! Eric gives me more diet coke. 12:23 PM or 1:23 PM, CST/Mtn line We lose an hour. Then we gain an hour. Then we lose an hour. Then we gain an hour. Then we lose an hour. Then we gain an hour. Then we lose an hour. The county police officer asks Eric why he is cackling and driving three feet forward then three feet back. Eric says, You drive the way you drive and that's just the way it is, sir. The officer notes that three feet forward he'll be in another county. He adds, I suggest you stay in it. 1:45 PM, Small desolate towns in Western Kansas We begin passing smaller towns, and we notice throngs of pickups and cars begin driving slowly alongside us, peering in. My public. Ah, the woes of an author. I realize that the trip will never conclude if I am noticed. There will be autographs, featured speeches, baby kissing. I hide my head in my coat head and recline the seat -- simply a precautionary measure. The public can only handle so much interaction. A real live author in western Kansas might throw things off for a month. 2:50 PM, Small desolate towns in Central Kansas We note a billboard for Joyce's House of Glass, and Eric immediately calls his wife to be sure that a trip there is on the schedule for their vacation. Nothing like kids in a glass shop, Eric says. Another sign says, Home-cooked Buffet. What if that were really true? 4:07, Just past Russell, Kansas We turn on the radio and catch amazing bits: I learned that emotional therapy works on my horse. ... Install a coke machine at the courthouse. Cindy Lou, reporting ... Two parents pick up their fighting daughters, drive down the road and fight themselves. ... Pink elephants and birthday cake ... How to train a horse ... AHHH-HAHH! Eric shouts. He grabs the cell phone and calls the station. He explains that horses love the smell of ammonia and that is why it makes them smile. Further, he states, a prick with a nail will teach them to nod their heads. Finally, he adds, drop a sledge hammer on their front feet and you can teach them to rear up. The radio station hangs up. I decide to hide from my public. 5:35, Desolate Central-Eastern Kansas I peek out from under my hood. I have a joke, Eric says. What do you call a milk farmer who drives an Acura Legend? A Legend Dairy Driver. I return to hiding from my public until it is dark. 7:30 PM, Achison, Kansas. We are about to drive across the bridge that connects Kansas to Missouri. Eric says, The great thing about this world isn't so much where we are as where we are going. And, he adds, we're going to be leaving Kansas in about 60 seconds. 7:50, outskirts of St. Joe, Misery I have never been so glad to see Stinky Fingers and Crabby Abby's. Girl's Girl's Girl's seems like a blessing compared to what we saw in Kansas. Then, two poopy cow trucks pull in front of us. We are taunted. I tell them I no like them. I want them to go to big alligator city. After what feels like 14 grueling hours, they turn off. Eric says, they go away. They go big alligator city. 8:00, Eric's parent A resting place. I can sleep, perchance to dream, and plan the "Guess what my roommate left behind" game. More tomorrow, dear friend, more tomorrow. |
