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#1 — The Road to St. Joe Posted March 12, 2001, 9:51 PM 3:30, between Hannibal and Monroe City, Missouri On my road trip with Listmom Eric, I have seen many things. Before we got started, we went to Subway. At Subway, Eric taught me that if you put lettuce and pickles on your sandwich it negates the calories of the cheese and mayo. Then we hit the road. First, there was a bush that looked like a dog. Later, there was a giant chicken sculpture outside of a place with a lot of trucks. Eric says that the chicken was outside because it would not fit in the house. Most of the trip, Eric (the Listmom) has been preoccupied with his little green Tamagotchi, named Lockhart after some goodish, silly, not bad guy in a Harry Potter book. It has pooped in the car twice so far, and Eric has had to clean it up. It also forces him to play games with it. He says it is valuable when babysitting 4-year-old boys. He said that they believe that he was a god thanks to his Tamagotchi. The arrival in Hannibal was très dénouement for the new road had been put in, and we did not get to drive across the crumbly bridge and we did not get to see the giant beer mug. While Eric drove, I read the owner's manual aloud. Eric mentioned that this reading was invigorating and edifying. He especially enjoyed the interactive part where I demonstrated the meaning of life, er, I mean the meaning of the heat/ac controls on the "instrument panel." We have passed many unexcited male arrows and some arrows that go both ways. More later... 4:49, Brookfield We have just entered Pershing's boyhood home. Eric says that Pershing was a general. He's pretty sure of that. But he doesn't think that he was a general when he was a boy. Then he was just a bossy brat who lived in Brookfield, Mo. Eric says that if Pershing had had a little green Tamagotchi he might have been more in touch with his caring side. Brookfield also has a "Sofas N Stuff" but as the van was mini and already maxifull, we chose not to purchase anything. After this, we saw some cows and some junk. Eric stopped the car and got out and went over to the cows and gave them all a cookie, one each. The cows were SOOOO appreciative. They MOOed. Then there was a donkey. I called it a jackass, but Eric said that that word was reserved for special politicians. Suddenly we saw a billboard (and a white bull on a platform, hmm) that said that Laclede, MO was ACTUALLY the BIRTHPLACE and boyhood home of General Pershing. There was a picture of Pershing on the billboard and he really looked like a guy who would benefit from being in touch with his caring side. There was no explanation that could account for the fact that Brookfield was fronting as Pershing's boyhood home when the truth of the matter is that LaClede is REALLY his boyhood home (Pershing Billboard. <rt. 36, Missouri> July 19, 1997. March 12, 2001). In desolation, not knowing the truth about Pershing home, I turned to Burning Monkey Solitaire and explored 52 Card Pickup. The rules are very easy. You just drag the cards back to the deck. The hard part, as the documentation indicates...wait... Oh my! A Jet airplane on stilts. Chillicothe Municipal Airport. A moment to pause. Back to reality. As the documentation indicates the hard part is resisting the monkey's suave pickup lines. Indeed, the documentation was true. Monkey offered pickup lines such as: Today's your lucky day. Monkey is single. At the end of this phenomenal game, I saw the message "You have picked up 52 Monkeys in 11 minutes and 24 seconds. Have you considered a shot of penicillin?" This message was accompanied by a graphic of a monkey in WWI airgear (goggles and hat just like snoopy wears) on a flying pig. I have uninstalled this game, and I now return to attempting to write something. Though I was compelled to read the Fake History of Monkeys and the movies. Eric found it a scintillating account of the true life of simians and nature. He especially enjoyed the Rheseus Pieces episode. 9:13 pm, St. Joseph, Mo We've just returned home from dinner at Red Lobster. I had Cajun Chicken. Eric had Cajun Shrimp. A group of farmers wearing camouflage sat at the table beside us. They ordered shrimp things, and discussed what on earth calamari is. Eric says that the farmers in these parts wear camouflage so that they can sneak up on the corn. They have mighty smart corn round these parts, and the farmers have to be smarter. Camouflage works every time. Not an ear of corn has guessed the impending doom of the reaper in well over a century and a half. While we were out eating, the Tamagotchi pooped in the car again. Eric is playing a game with it now, trying to appease it. It's in a very foul mood, having been left in the car all that time. It was also very hungry. More tomorrow. |
