Do you ever sit down to write something and find that you can't figure out anything to say that even begins to sound useful? I have been trying to write this entry for over an hour. I deleted it twice. This is at least the third try, and yet I still can't seem to figure out what I mean to say. I only know that I want to say something. Sure I could report the events of the day. I did this and that, and I didn't have the energy to do these other things.
It's almost as if my head is empty of anything other than flat statements that just seem incredibly stupid. I write them and then I delete them. It doesn't actually accomplish much in the way to writing.
I don't know why I feel compelled to write an entry right now anyway. That is a lot of the problem I am sure. I'm not even sure what I want to write about; yet I need to write something. I have things that I need to say, but somehow I can't say them or I'm not allowed to say them. I have to keep quiet. And as a result, somehow I'm stuck. Would it help if I said everything? Not really. It would only make things worse I expect.
I'm just stuck in the same little pattern. Over and over. Get up tired, go dressed, go to work, work and work and work, drive home, turn on the basement light because I need to deal with the laundry, walk up the steps into the kitchen, realize I'm too tired to clean or cook, sit in front of the computer unable to write, realize I don't really have anyone to talk to anyway, walk out to the kitchen, prepare junk to eat because I'm too tired to invest in cooking, look down the open basement door and feel guilty about the laundry, look at the kitchen and feel guilty about the dirty dishes, go back to the computer, eat and feel guilty and sick because I'm eating bad food, search the Web for diet options, stare at the computer some more, realize I'm too tired to do anything like exercise and too overwhelmed to eat the right things, randomly search around for things that I don't find, stare at the computer some more, eventually give up and go to bed, sleep restlessly, turn off the alarm clock three times because I'm too tired, start over.
Stuck. Stuck and overwhelmed by the inertia it would take to fix any of it. So I just sit here. Wishing and feeling guilty.
Posted Friday, 24-Aug-2007 17:09:26 PDT
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