Clearly I am insane. I have things to write and do. It's 3 in the morning, and I am not in bed. No. I am searching for an infomercial to watch. Not just any infomercial either. I have gotten it into my mind, in some masochistic move, to find an infomercial about fat people. I've slept too much today really, or at least during all the wrong hours. And even though I did accomplish some things today (hello bottom of the kitchen sink. I wondered what you looked like), I feel like a waste. I just have been doing everything wrong. I can't seem to follow the rules like everyone else. I can't do what I'm supposed to do. Even though I punish myself unendingly and cry every day, I don't do anything I'm supposed to. I don't do anything that normal people would do. Even when someone tells me what s/he wants, I don't do it. I just persist in the wrong. And now I'm awake at 3 am, listening to "Dirty Little Secret" and thinking of all the ways that I am one and all my secrets and stupidity and insanity. Such an unending waste I am. It's no wonder things turn out as they do. What else could I ever expect when I look like this and act even stupider? Moron me. /me stabs her eyes out so she doesn't have to look in the mirror anymore. Dagger eyes, cutting everything, even when they're closed. Never do it right. Even though I see everyone else do it right. I can't get over the wrongs and failures. I can't get past everything, and the only option is to disappear into sleep. But it's 3 am, and I'm awake, with my mind racing on the wrongs. Stupid. Maybe tomorrow I can write all the real entries, deal with all the drafts of my life that never get finished. Meanwhile. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Posted Friday, 24-Aug-2007 17:09:36 PDT
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