changelog @ tengrrl.com:

So the 22nd was also the day my father died. I have blacked out on all this. I couldn't remember the date, and I have been thinking that I have to find a chance to turn over the thing that his ashes are in to see if there's a date on it. Maybe it was 2002. I don't know anymore. It's one of those things where I would have to try to remember a series of events and place it in context. And it's all too sad to do. Too hard to do. I have a block, and it's hard to concentrate around the barriers to figure it out.

Anyway, I never thought about it today because I have blacked out the date. I couldn't remember it, so I guess it couldn't hurt me. But what happened is that we finally finished decorating the Christmas tree and my sister was talking about running to Target for some things that she needed. I asked if today was the 23rd, because I get my days all screwed up when I'm here and not "working." I was told it's the 22nd. I said, "Oh good. That's so much better." At that point, I noticed my mom. Her face was all tight, like she was in physical pain. I keeping asking what's wrong. Does something hurt? What do you need?

My sister, who is smarter than me. Um, actually, I don't remember the details here either. I even black out current events it seems. So I do recall that Mom started weeping, and I didn't know what was wrong. My sister Kerri comes over and hugs her and holds her for a few minutes and while she's doing this Kerri turns to me and mouths, "it's when daddy died."

So now i'm crying because it's all my fault. I didn't mean that the 22nd was better that way. I couldn't have told you it was today. And I tried not to cry, but I couldn't. So I had to get up and leave the room because I knew I was just going to make it worse and it was all my fault anyway. So i sat at the desk crying and feeling stupid for not knowing the date and being an idiot and missing daddy and everything.

And it's making me cry more to know that I'm in the room that he died in. I wasn't here. I had started driving to Virginia very late that day, but about 2 hours from home, I realized that I'd forgotten my prescriptions so I turned around and went back home. It was already dark then, and it was clearly too late for me to have left anyway. I should have waited till the next day regardless, but I was trying to get home before...

Kerri eventually came down to talk to me, and said it wasn't my fault, that it was the time. Daddy apparently died around 8 pm, which was when all this happened tonight. But i didn't know that. As I said, I wasn't here. Kerri says I didn't do it, but I was the one calling attention to the date. And we had just finished the tree, and he's not here. I'm so completely stupid. Why couldn't I remember what was going on? Kerri said that she had come over her early this evening and stayed because she expected mama to do this. She knows and thinks ahead. I can't even make myself remember what year it was.

Thursday, December 22, 2005