I don't really understand myself today. Maybe I'm just really depressed. I stayed at home today. Lisa and Sharon both had kids out of school, so they were staying home with them. I was well over 40 hours, so I figured I'd skip out too. I didn't really get anything done though. I found that my new gutters were being installed around 11, and I did some work on a lesson plan on audio dramatizations. There were random work issues to deal with as well. I guess all that was normal.
I made a shopping/errand list. Got dressed. And went back to bed. I keep thinking about things that haven't worked out. I never really wrote about my Thanksgiving plans because I was afraid something would go wrong. Naturally, something did. Most of my family was going to come to Illinois. I was going to get to cook for everyone. A lot of people would think that was crazy, but I was really excited. Last Sunday though, I got word that some people didn't want to come for one reason or another. And the one person who couldn't come because he was working was disappointed that people were all decamping. So I said I'd just go home to avoid their unhappiness.
So for the last few days, I've been wandering around thinking of things I don't have to do (don't bother to clean that table; no sense in putting that stuff away; don't bother buying that extra food). When I'm not doing that, I'm noticing stupid things that I already did. . . . why did I bother buying and freezing that extra sausage? why did I waste paper printing out that recipe? what kind of idiot am I for gathering up that stuff? what made me order these puzzles for them to put together?
When I originally planned to take today off, I thought I'd get a jump start. I figured I could cook some things ahead. I stupidly thought I'd bake and freeze some family favorite cookies and appetizers so they'd be ready to go. And I thought I'd start rearranging some things in the kitchen so all the cooking would be easier.
Instead, I've done little. I made a normal, weekly shopping list, but never gathered the will to go any further. I'm such an idiot, and I seem to just sit around and hate myself. Why bother going to the grocery store? I should be eating air anyway. Why buy anything? And damn those baby pandas.
They always make me feel so sad and lonely.
I'm such an unholy mess of a girl. There's really no hope.
Posted Friday, 24-Aug-2007 17:08:55 PDT
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